►laugh until you cry; cry until you laugh (mustenentwined3) wrote,
►laugh until you cry; cry until you laugh

because I just can't stay away

If you are in a bad mood right now, or are having an awful week, or you just need cheering up, I have sparkles for you.


That being said, this entry will contain lots of incoherent complaining and hair-ripping because I am having a bad week, and I told myself I wouldn't even come on LJ or post, but I can't. I would rant to my friends irl, but they are going through crap with finals too; I would complain to my parents but work is treating them harshly and they're so tired that I don't want to add onto anything. I don't want to add on anything worse to your moods, either, so if you're in a bad mood right now (I hope the sparkles helped somehow; I really do love you guys) and you don't want to read, please do not feel obliged to, at all. You are never obliged to read any of my posts if you don't want to; I won't love you any less or blame you for it. :3

sjkdlf let's start with the bright things? This boy has basically been the light of my week.

He is seriously the best fanboy, ever. This totals up to what - four? JungYeop songs from him now and sjkdlfa he is just too precious. And his voice. His falsetto, ohmygod I got chills the first time I listened to You're My Lady. I love him so much. So much that I am perfectly willing to disregard the mohawky hair that I still disapprove of. So much ;_; ♥ Also, I caught one or two mini-JongKey moments in Shin Shin Tapa, but I am too lazy to find them again. And I won't spam you because not many people on my f-list ship JongKey much, anyways. ):

I want to connect this to Kame because they are both fandom, but I think I'm going to put off Kame for now.

My week, outside of fandom, has been like one huge bad day - you know those days where all these little, insignificantly irritating things build and build and build, until you want to break and you feel like you don't even have a legit reason? That's what I feel like. Nothing hugely disappointing or tragic has happened. It's just everything in general that adds up, pushes down, until I just really feel like a good cry right now. I don't want to study for finals. I want to get out of school. I can't make it through another week. I sound like a brat; I'm so sorry.

Monday night, I stayed up until 1 AM doing two projects, studying for two tests, and practicing piano. Piano was probably my fault, because I missed it so damn much I was going to punch something if I didn't play. Don't get me wrong, staying up late isn't abnormal for me, nor is it a big deal in any way, but on Tuesday, I walk into school and both of my tests are cancelled. Both. I could have played piano for those one, two extra hours. I could have had extra sleep. I could have studied more for finals, dammit. Dear Teachers, cancelling tests the day of is not. Cool. That annoyed me a little bit.

Later on in the day, I had a Spanish speech, in which I almost broke down crying. I know I shouldn't have chosen such a personal topic - my grandmother - but I felt all the other topics I could think of were too impersonal, too sleep-inducing. About 95% of my class talked about previous vacations; I swear I was going to scream if one more person talked about a vacation - but yeah, I was probably an idiot for choosing my grandmother. It's just that, especially in a different language, things that mean more to me have always been so much easier to memorize, and, I don't know. I just - I almost started crying in front of my Spanish class. They're all really nice, awesome people (for the most part) - actually, Spanish has been one of my favorite classes this year, classmates and teacher combined, and one of my best friends is even in my class, but. Still. I felt so...vulnerable. I don't know how to explain it; I've never felt like that in school before. I don't think I've felt that exposed, really, ever.

Speaking of exposed, my Akame-fanfic-changed-names got into our school's literary magazine, but what irked me was that they said we would be anonymous, but we weren't when it actually got published. It's not that I want to be a brat, or just. I don't think I would have submitted if I knew they were going to publish our names. I know I should feel honored that my submission got in, grateful that some of my friends said it was really good, but I don't. I feel really, really selfish and ridiculous and just really, really bad in general for saying so, but I can't change my feelings on this topic.

Maybe I shouldn't have chosen an Akame fic to change; it's probably just that they mean too much to me. Also, I'm not sure how many of you know, or realize this, but I'm extremely insecure about my writing. I've always had a great weakness towards sharing my writing with others (no matter how much I love it), especially people I know. I hate putting a name on my pieces, a title. I've always wanted people to appreciate my writing just as writing, no strings attached, but I know it isn't possible. I feel like online, it's a bit more probable because no matter how much I adore you guys, I don't know any of you personally. I don't know my readers personally, even though I appreciate their support to bits and pieces.

The people in my school are judgemental, whether they want to be or not. Everybody's judgemental. Not to mention the fact that the fic lost so much of its meaning when the names were changed, when the gender was changed (because really, I don't think anybody in my school would appreciate reading about a gay couple, no matter how "open" they tend to call themselves). I know all I end up doing is sounding totally self-conscious about this whole situation, but it's not that I care so much about what others think, that I'm shallow. Honestly, if people don't like me, I can't do anything about it, and I won't care to. I'm just the way I am, and it's something I've always appreciated about myself that I don't let others' comments get me down. But with the lit-mag submission, I don't know how to explain it. I almost want to say that my writing is like a different, alternative side of me - sort of like how I felt so exposed when talking about my grandmother, so vulnerable. I kind of feel like that when I can see, when I watch people reading my writing, especially people I know - people who have already developed a certain perception of me, see me through a certain lens, even when they're trying not to. I think I'm going to stop now, before anybody who's bothering to read this gets totally bored and lost. I'm sorry :l

Other than that, I managed to forget my house key yesterday, and I had to stay over at a friend's house for an hour or so until my mom came home to give me her keys. She was pretty pissed, with good reason, of course - but it just made me feel absolutely horrible. I hate feeling like I made her do extra work by driving home for me, especially with how tired and fed up she's been with work lately. It dampened my mood even more, a little.

Today, Ms. Kim gave us back an essay from 1909283 years ago (okay, not really, but) and she gave me a 78. And proceeded to tell us how much we'd "improved from the beginning of the year", but seriously. The comments she made on my essay are ridiculous. She says my analysis is "unnecessary", crosses it out, and then moves onto the closing sentence going, "how? you don't prove this" when clearly I did, right there, all the "unnecessary" stuff she crosssed out in her stupid bright turquoise ink. I swear she has a grudge against me; she always pretends to like me (probably just because my friends are mostly all her super-special students) and then loves to hand me the crappiest grades on Earth. The only thing I can be grateful for is that there's only tomorrow, and the final left, and I'm done with her. Forever. Thank God.

Our school is weird and decided to do some strange "Boardwalk" theme during lunch today, which basically caused mass chaos and lack of places to sit because they set up stands around the commons, where people usually sit to eat lunch. This resulted in a group of seniors stealing our usual table, so I had to eat lunch standing in the middle of this chaos, awkwardly. With my friends, who were also standing in the middle of this chaos, awkwardly. Yeah, not fun.

We were supposed to get our yearbooks today, but when we got there, they went "NO FRESHMEN TODAY GO AWAY!!1!!!1!" when the poster out in the foyer clearly said that our yearbooks come in today. idk, I know that's a stupid reason to be irritated, but it just kind of acted as the icing, you know. Topped off my bad week, thanks.

Other than personally, Kame pretty much downed my week too - not him, really, but the crap about him. His episode of Mr. Brain getting the lowest rating KimuTaku has gotten in 12 years. I have the inexplicable feeling that he is beating himself up over this, badly, and I just can't get over that. I hope he knows that he doesn't have to excel in everything. Everybody has weaknesses, and he is obviously human for being so. Not to say that I, personally, adore his acting skills, but evidently Japan (or the channel viewers) does not.

I really, really hope he knows that he is wonderful. He always works so hard, with everything he does, and I, just. I can't fathom how disappointing this must be for him, as well as the fact that KnS wasn't so long ago. My heart hurts for him. I want - he just, deserves so much more for what he does. Sometimes, it gets to me like this - the wank, the hate, the everything. Because he's in Johnny's, because he's in KAT-TUN, because he's Kame. I think I've seen the most wank about him out of KAT-TUN, and I've seen the most wank about KAT-TUN out of JE, and it just plain sucks. Usually, I laugh it off, because honestly a good percentage of it is almost abhorrently ridiculous, but there are definitely times where it gets to me. I've always had this perception of Kame that he was sort of the one who had to work harder, try harder, always do everything more than others. He's not like Jin, or Yamapi - they shine naturally, you know? They have that thing about them, the natural beauty. They work hard too, I know, but everything flows with them so easily - popularity skyrockets because they're just there, numbers. They're naturally beautiful, naturally stars. Koki, Nakamuaru and Junno with their dorkage - that's how they earn love, their personalities, because their personalities are especially wonderful. That's how they shine. Ueda has his leader-wonderfulness, his sort of subtle, quiet beauty, inside and out. I think he's natural too, like Jin and Yamapi, just not as loud-natural as they are, if you get what I mean.

And then I see Kame - Kame, who tries too hard, who works too hard. He doesn't have the best voice, isn't the best dancer, isn't the best actor, doesn't shine as naturally as Jin or Yamapi or Ueda. He can be a nag, can be much too straightforward, acts too mature for his age. He's not cute like the youngest should be, too skinny because he never eats enough, has too perfect eyebrows that are obviously waxed. He always tries to act nonchalant when he's really just a dork, laughs too hard but then hides it behind a solemn face to restore his image. And I don't know what to say other than I love him, with all the heart I can, for everything. I love him with a strange kind of love - I don't want to marry him. But it's not just admiration, either. It's this kind of love that fills me up - sort of like that choking I had in Spanish class, that vulnerability - it makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time, to break down, but I don't know what into - tears or laughter, screams or smiles. Or both. Sometimes, I hate it. I hate it so much, that I love him so much. So much that it physically hurts; there's this throb in my chest that won't go away, the tears and laughter that never come out. I want so much for him; I want for him everything he wants for himself.

I know I've said this multiple times, but one of my secret, dearest hopes is that he gets a girlfriend, whom he can trust. A girl who can support him and who can let him support her, who can be the person he can lean on when it gets to be too much. A girl who will let him know when he shouldn't be too down on himself, who will stuff his face when he gets skinnier because she loves him just that much, so much more than I ever will be able to. I want him to have a girlfriend, a person he wants to spend his whole life with, a person he can't imagine being apart from, so that if ever, god forbid, it gets too rough, he'll have something - somebody to live for. I want her to be like Mirka is for Roger - so part of him, so there. It's so difficult for celebrities to have a relationship like that. It might be why I have such a girl!crush on Mirka, that she's done, been so much to Roger, that they love each other, that she's so down-to-earth and loves him, as just him.

Because maybe, if Kame could get a girlfriend like that, he would stop this, too.

I know it's no surprise that he smokes, and it's forever been a definite trait that I hate about him. I know guys in Japan smoke a lot, I know. I've heard it. But it doesn't mean I can stop hoping he'll quit, one day; that imaginary girlfriend will force him to take better care of himself. I'm just repeating myself now. I'll shut up, sorry guys. If you read all of that, I don't know what to say to you. You are all kinds of awesome that I can't even express. I'll just end lamely and let Kame finish up.

Tags: bitching, i fail at everything, i love this guy so much, i love you all, i'm a selfish brat sorry flist, i'm such an awkward being, insane teachers, jennifer is a failure, jennifer is a strange child, kamenashi kazuya, kim jonghyun, my cup is half-empty kthxbye, obviously need more sleep, once upon a time my life disappeared, rant, school, screwed up, shit i'm horrible, should not be here, this is stupid, tired, weirdness, what is this, why am i such a boring creature d:, why are you guys so awesome, why is this so long, you don't have to read this really
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